Boundaries
When schools closed and quarantine began and remote teaching unfolded, I struggled. But I couldn’t name what I was struggling with. I talked to friends and colleagues and even a therapist and very quickly discovered that many of my struggles were connected to boundaries. “Boundaries?” I asked the therapist. “I don’t have issues with personal boundaries.” But slowly she began to show me why so many of my daily struggles were connected to boundaries, and why naming and knowing this was so important for knowing how to move forward and live freely with or without quarantine.
What does it mean to have personal boundaries?
Knowing my boundaries meant knowing my limits. I’ve shared before how helpful it was to have someone point out to me that Zoom calls invited other people into my home on a regular basis. It made me realize how my struggles with boundaries were so closely related with the way of doing life post-COVID. I also learned what it meant to have no physical separation between work and home life, or between family time and time to myself. I had to create this separation. I had to discover which parts of my time I needed to protect, and which parts of my time I had to acknowledge that other people had a say over. “Your work meetings run way too long,” my husband would say. “You need to decide how long they’re going to be from the start, what needs to be accomplished, and end on time.” It wasn’t just work though - I was accepting all the invitations to all the social Zoom hangouts. Zoom Happy Hour! Zoom Rise and Shine! Zoom Game Night! Zoom Book Club! All of those things are great, but I soon realized that too many at once would accrue and leave me feeling depleted.
How do you set personal boundaries?
A major shift in how I was feeling about everything came when I sat down to map out what I wanted in my week and where I wanted it to go. Setting boundaries in one area of my life at a time made the most sense and helped me clarify what it meant to have personal boundaries in the first place. I opened a notebook and divided one page into four boxes. I titled the boxes family, work, friends, and self-care and listed everything I wanted to see in each area. Once I listed out everything in the “work” box, work suddenly felt much less overwhelming. Ok, I thought, I can break my job down into these eight manageable categories. I included things I had been wanting to do for work like “read professional books.” I also realized how closely my list connected with time management. For example, “Bible study” was a priority, but so was spending time with my family. In order to fit it all in, I was going to have to get up before the kids to have some time alone. Once I had everything listed, it was easy to see what was “extra,” what would pull away from the important things, and where I had to say no.
What are healthy personal boundaries?
Along with time management, the other key to healthy boundaries is balance. For example, even though I wanted to read the Bible every morning, I also needed to work out and shower. Unless I was willing to get up at 4:00 a.m. every day (which likely meant going to sleep at 8:00 p.m. every night), I would have to shift things around. I decided to go for a run after work or during lunch as a way to give myself a mental break, and shower before dinner instead of in the mornings. Balance became key for work too. I still struggle to get used to being able to come and go from work as easily as walking in or out of the guest bedroom in the house. Balance and boundaries came with shutting off the computer when I was done for the day and allowing it to stay off until the following morning. The biggest change, however, came from boundaries around social media. I explain this more in How Do You Do It?, but I was able to find much more peace and balance when I took social media off my phone. After watching “The Social Dilemma” on Netflix, I’ve not only kept the apps off my phone, but I have also made sure to keep notifications turned off even on my computer. The pull to see what’s happening, to check for updates, and to see comments and reactions is just too strong and too unhealthy.
All of this has been great, but I’ve also had to force myself not to shift too far to the other side. There’s a temptation to create barricades instead of boundaries. Unhealthy can mean letting all the areas of your life bleed into one another or letting others invade too often, but unhealthy can also mean cutting yourself off from everyone altogether. A perfect example of this was towards the end of summer when we got invited to visit Olympic National Park with another family. I was resistant at first, not only because I had created this amazing schedule for myself, but also because I was worried it would be out of my comfort zone. I had to look outside myself at what my family needed, and ultimately what I knew would give extra life to my soul. Shutting out the world and putting up walls goes beyond boundaries and into isolation, which isn’t healthy either.
How can I help others keep their personal boundaries?
I have done so much work trying to understand and set my own personal boundaries, that I now almost get excited when I see others communicate clear boundaries with me. The other day I texted a co-worker on a Sunday, asking if she would have something completed for the next morning. “I can’t,” she responded. “I’m spending time with family and I’m actually trying to avoid working on the weekends if possible.” I was thrilled for her. And what I had asked her about could definitely wait an extra day. Recently, my entire family of four descended on my husband’s brother and wife in an unplanned, last minute trip to escape the terrible air quality from area wildfires. We gave them two hours’ notice before we headed in their direction. I knew my sister-in-law was studying for a big test, and even though my family stayed in a rental house, we spent a fair amount of time seeing them for meals. I kept checking in. “Are you alright? Are you getting your studying time in? Is it too much?” She worried that my check-ins were because she wasn’t making us feel welcome. “Of course not,” I said. “I know how it is. When you marry someone, your boundaries might be different with their family than his are. You may need some more space. I completely understand and want to respect that.” She was relieved. “Thank you.” I got it. I understood.
I’ve learned that boundaries fall into my “self-care" box on the page. Creating division between areas of my life, knowing what does and does not belong in each category, and not feeling guilt or shame for keeping those boundaries has become a foundational piece of how I function. As a result, I’m able to fit more of what I love in to each week and feel more fulfilled by focusing on what is most important.
