Judgment
An overwhelming number of people responded to my post about drinking, some to bravely share their own journeys and struggles, but others to comment on their amazement that my thoughts came from such a non-judgmental perspective. Reading between the lines, I assume there is a hidden emphasis of especially because you’re a Christian. I had to follow up with some thoughts about judgment, both to share my story and also to share the dangers that judgment can have. For me, one misguided judgment someone made about me almost twenty years ago altered the course of my life.
Why do we judge others?
Judgment and self-righteousness
Let me be clear. I started out as the judgmental one. Early on in my faith journey, I created a set of rules that I thought defined a good Christian. It was less about pursuing God and more about pursuing “the right thing to do.” I had categories of “allowed” and “not allowed.” I harshly judged Christians that participated in what I deemed behaviors that were “not allowed,” and I religiously prayed for (or felt sorry for) non-Christians in these categories. It came from a place of thinking that strong faith was tied to strict rules, and a misguided understanding of God’s love, grace, and redemption. The judgment also came from a place of self-righteousness. I simply thought I was right and everyone who disagreed with me was wrong.
Judgment and identity
Often the way we judge others has everything to do with how we see ourselves and doesn’t have a lot to do with the other person. Whether we intend to or not, our judgment creates an invisible hierarchy that says “If I’m not as bad as ____, then I’m not that bad after all!” This, by the way, isn’t limited to Christians. Moms do it (Wow, she really lets her kids have a LOT of screen time!). Teachers do it (There’s no WAY she can get her job done when she leaves at 3:30 every day). Families do it (WHO did you vote for?). Friends do it (Wait, HOW MANY hours did you spend binge-watching Netflix?). We judge without realizing it, and it often leads us to the game of “I can only win when someone else is losing.”
The “judge one another in love” attitude
For reasons I won’t get into here (you can read my book), I walked away from my rules when I graduated from college. I went from being quite against drinking, to having a couple of occasional beers with friends. I was also in the process of applying to become a missionary in Ecuador for 1-2 years post-college. I had visited, made connections, and was working with friends in Quito to create my job description. My last step was for the organization’s therapist to sign off on a psychological evaluation and I would be ready to go. When I went in for the visit (just a few months before my planned departure), the therapist worked up quite a lecture about my drinking problem. I had checked “occasional social drinker” on her pre-appointment survey, and she laid out how the alcohol would be in my system for months to come, how I had developed an addiction, and how I should delay my trip for at least six months while I evaluated whether I could go through enough therapy to fix it all. I was 22 years old. I drank a couple nights a week with friends, limited it to a couple beers at a time, and could count on one hand the times I had felt “buzzed” or “drunk.” I had nothing close to a “drinking problem,” but I was young and naïve and I believed her.
The downfall of judging “in love”
What I have seen happen with some Christians is that whether they are part of a denomination, a particular church, or just a group of other Christians, they abide by rules that go well beyond what the Bible does or does not have to say about the matter. Instead of allowing these rules to lend personal guidance that they may feel God wants for them, they impose their strict rules and judgments on their community in a way that creates shame and causes harm. The problem is that all of it is presented “in love.” I love you too much to let you do this. It can’t be judgment if it’s so loving, can it? The biggest way I’ve seen this hurt others is with the “love the sinner/hate the sin” mantra. I’ve heard this in the context of divorce. I’ve heard this toward the LGBTQ community. Let me be clear. When you tell a person “I love you, but I hate who you are,” you are not loving them.
Finding a place without judgment
After my 22 year old self left that therapist’s office, sobbing and unsure about my future, I was so ashamed about my drinking problem that I kept it quiet. I walked away from Ecuador and my friends in Quito without explanation. I told my family that it didn’t work out. I became a waitress and a nanny and eventually went back to school to become a teacher. I walked away from the church for awhile too, not because I was so irritated by the judgment or fed up with the rules, but because I was too ashamed to feel like I belonged in the church. So, I hung out in bars. Sometimes I met up with my sister for a drink to break up my commute (city to suburbs and back again) and often I did the daily Chicago Tribune crossword puzzle with another one of the bar’s regular customers. I met new people, made new friends, heard interesting stories, listened to awesome bands, and found a new community. The shocking, most surprising thing of all, was that in a place that I had so religiously prayed for in the past, I found the warmth, love, and non-judgmental environment that I should have found in the church.
Lessons About Judgment
Love God, Love Others
It would take years for me to fully understand that not becoming a missionary did not mean that I had turned down the path God wanted for my life. Eventually though, I returned to the church. I matured, I had some good therapy, and I found some Christian friends in those bars that helped me see that faith can be more about loving God and loving others than about holding fast to God while judging others. I discovered the joy of relating authentically on a deep level with people from all walks of life. When I felt insecure about returning to my spiritual roots around the new friends I had met in bars, they embraced me with acceptance and encouraged me to continue to find my true self and explore my faith and identity. I often think that if Jesus was here today, I might find Him doing a crossword puzzle at O’Sullivan’s with someone stopping in for a drink to break up her commute.
Let God be God
Finally, when it comes to sin, I have learned to leave the judgment up to God. God says, “Come as you are,” so why do we say “Come, but either change first or change when you get here?” God says, “I love and accept you,” so why do we say, “I love you, and I’ll accept the parts of you that I deem acceptable?” Let’s open our doors to everyone without condition. Let’s let God do the transformation (because let’s face it, we can’t do it ourselves anyway).
I googled that therapist recently, the one that put a halt to my Ecuador plans. She’s retired, and there was a picture of her from a public event at an art gallery with her husband. She was happy, and - I’m not making this up - her face was flushed and she was holding a glass of wine in her hand. Good for her. She finally found wine! As toxic as she was for me at a critical time in my life, I’m so thankful for what happened as a result. God turned the unhealthy into something beautiful. Instead of going to Ecuador, I became a teacher. I met my husband. I moved to the Pacific Northwest. Instead of passing judgment on others, I became more loving. And in the end, when I did quit drinking, I did it for me and me alone.
